The exhaustion of completing consecutive photo projects for my degree, projects that were elaborate and required a lot of theory and intention, drained most of my creative enthusiasm. I was financially strung along by several commissions in 2021 that were practical in providing me with content (and I use the word "content" in its most base and derogatory form) but they did little to engage me. I did reclaim some small joy in several equipment purchases, particularly with my Epson Scanner and the archive work I was able to complete using it. However, I was faced with the realization that stripped of the constant outdoor excursions provided by my parents and classroom prompts meant to propel me forward, i.e, living on my own and separated from school, I had to exert more of an effort to engineer photo opportunities for myself.
I spent the past week or so editing a small collection of beach photos that I had planned to post at some point in the future. On the beach, I sat around with little inspiration and saw the same shots as I always did. And the very limited enthusiasm I held on that day was pretty much extinguished when I began editing. I had no sense of direction and no vision to the point that I just set the project aside and never bothered to pick it up again.
To be honest, I feel fatigued even just discussing this perceived impotence here. Perhaps, it is because this issue makes me acutely aware of my introversion. I spend most of my free time engrossed in my digital work: graphic design, music-making, writing as I'm doing now. I find these avenues more suited to my reserved temperament. I am also fatigued because frankly this discussion is a dead horse that I've cycled and recycled eternally in my mind. If I evaluate myself honestly and with compassion, I've become less withdrawn as I've gotten older and I've had plenty of chances to photograph. I have a million minor excuses that inhibit me from creating new work apart from not getting out enough: I don't have a desire to lug my camera equipment around, I've become too engrossed in theory to take candid shots, the smartphone is more readily available, the myth of photography doesn't move me like it did when I was a child, etc.
Perhaps, 2022 will be a better year. I will be visiting Portland as always and April has graciously invited me to Italy, which will be my first departure from the country. I have several more unorthodox project ideas involving my smartphone and a floppy disk camera. But I am preparing myself for a reality in which my art shifts away from photography and into more unexplored territories. The writings of James Agee in Let Us Now Praise Famous Men have inspired me to write again and to disassociate my craft from the baggage of the term "art". I too hope to reclaim my joy and once again make good photos before I make good art.